Women at Work -- Boardroom or Playroom: What do you choose to prioritize ?

Very recently, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi raised headlines when she said why women still can't have it all, the matter actually raised some serious issues women face at work, despite the herculean multitasking efforts what do you actually choose--- your career or your family?
Globally only a 24 per cent of senior management roles are now filled by women.
Women working professionals are constantly on the toes, you look around and they have a thousand things running in the mind, if the slides are well prepared for the meeting, if the gas was switched off, if the baby sitter is managing the baby well... the list is endless....
Even in Harry Potter series we get to read how a witch manages all the household work thanks to her magical wand but in our 'Muggle' world women are tackling it all without the wand or broomstick. Like Charlotte Whitton puts it in words “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
Surprisingly even with the changing times the yard stick today for a working woman's success is judged by the fit-gap of her accomplishments over her work life balance, while for the men the scale is more calibrated over just the professional success. This thought needs to be changed and hopefully with changing times and society, it will in the days to come.
The funny part is - even if your children and husband are supportive about your career, the guilt of "I am not able to do enough for them" keeps tormenting the woman. In a recent gathering, one of our firm's senior partner had described how she felt so guilty for not being able to attend her son's first day of college as she was at the client site, she confessed about it to her son few years later and apologized to him and to her surprise her son did not even remember anything about that event and they had a good laugh about it! 

 Despite the fact that more men today are willing to take up house hold work and responsibilities to help their better halves carve out their professions, it can still be seen that most women 'choose' their families over their career with the general thought "I need to adjust; I am the woman in the house". A very successful manager whom I knew gave up her career as no one from her extended family was ready to support her child while she was away at work. "Hopefully I will get some opportunity when my child grows up and can manage herself but I am not sure how to keep myself technologically at par with my peers for the next few years" .Companies and firms do offer flexibility with work from home and sabbaticals but it is fact that the focus and efforts needed to handle, conquer and break the glass ceiling will be a mammoth task.
And the woman who fails to cope up with the personal expectations and gives up her career for the 'greater good' of herself and her family faces the brutal realization that after few years she is no longer needed 24*7 by her children, her spouse has advanced years in his career and most of her family, peers and relatives know her as 'someone' who gave up her career for her family; from the independent achiever she has transformed into the dependent wife. Many such women I know are very happy with their lives and enjoy the household chores but most of them who once dreamt of climbing the corporate ladder but no longer find themselves a fit in the race feel extremely dejected and out of place.
Many companies have the initiatives by which they hire the former women employees who had to quit due to personal reasons but are now ready to make a comeback. The alpha returner's trend is on rise abroad and in India and hope it continues to soar.
Societal norms and pressure affect the career choices of a woman to the extent that is forced to choose and prioritize. But times are fast changing and hopefully we will have a more open and liberal society where a woman finds it is easy to share the work load at home without bearing the guilt suffix attached after her ambitions.

If I were to ask to share my personal experience, I would say the woman is the backbone of her household, she is the one who maintains the perfect balance between the home and work life and ensures the smooth functioning of her family’s life. Our daily schedule is like a string of pulleys attached to each other. You need to maintain that perfect equilibrium to ensure the “load” is balanced.

As women, we have no will to sheer off any responsibility. I need to ensure I finish up the relevant deliverables before my presentation at work, I need to manage my domestic help properly, I need to ensure my husband’s lunchbox is packed, I need to ensure my project report is submitted on time with the best quality, I need to ensure I get the medicines my mother in law needs and also get the required grocery while getting back from work.  Sounds like it is juggling on the tightrope walk? We do that every single day, cos we are working women.

But in spite of the non-stop altering between the work and the plethora of responsibilities, we manage --- we manage to lead the team at work, we manage to organize the birthday party of our kid, we manage to take our parents to the doctor visits, we manage to bake the special dish for our dear husband and we still manage to catch some sleep before the next day begins! Yes, may be the room decoration for the birthday celebration could have been more colorful, maybe we reached the hospital five minutes later, may be the dish cooked is slightly burnt but so what... We still manage the show, we seek perfection but admit that we can also err and we learn from it!  This is the fact which makes us so powerful so capable and makes us … a woman!

While sitting through a boardroom meeting the woman next to you might be fighting an internal battle of whether she should be in the boardroom - taking crucial decisions for her Company or in her baby's playroom - playing with him and trying to make him laugh. I do not think she deserves to fight this guilt war or give up her dreams. I think in addition to the changing and a more conscious society, a family's backing and outlook towards supporting a daughter or a daughter in law's career should also evolve, it should be understood that a woman's professional aspirations also need to be equally respected and supported any day. 

Most importantly, a woman herself should try and focus on what she feels is important for her happiness and success professionally, she has to let go of the guilt factor lingering on her mind – it should be understood that you cannot please everybody all the time, you need to pay emphasis on what you enjoy the most. As Lady Marie Curie puts it “We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.”

Some real Wedding Moments … hidden from the camera reel…

In general any wedding is all about happy feelings; it is about taking beautiful vows, it is about lots and lots of smiling photographs with the bride & groom looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.

I had an arranged marriage, I met my husband just once – the day our wedding got fixed. Sounds rather uncanny in today’s world but that is how quickly it was fixed and wedding was arranged in a jiffy.

          

Before the wedding, the bride packs all her stuff in her suitcases and bags, prepared to move to her husband’s home. I still remember breaking down into tears as I was packing my stuff – just to think I will not wake up to see my old bunny bug toy against the wall, where my father had put it up for me when I was a kid, I will not get the familiar home smell in the many months to come again. I tried taking all the pictures, books, stuff and paintings from my room, but I realized how empty and lifeless it would make the room look, my parents will still live here and they will not be able to bear such an empty room.

Like most Indian girls, I have grown up to be an extremely independent woman – right from helping my mother and sister with grocery to medicines, taking them for weekend movies and festival shopping; I would be the official house driver and companion. I still remember the last movie we saw before my wedding – my mother and I broke down while coming back. Until then you don’t realize that you may never again cherish these mother daughter moments together. The wedding shopping fervour, the endless arrangements and the invitations – after all that you finally realize your old room will no longer just be yours any more.  You are about to leave this room and this home forever and live with a whole new set of family and friends. You feel tensed, you feel scared and sceptical and most importantly you look back realize these days spent with your parents and siblings will never come back again.

On my wedding day, I remember the countless relatives from my in law’s side telling me “this day onwards you belong only to our family.” I smiled, looking at my parents silently who were so busy attending to the guests and thought “but I am always a daughter first”.  I wonder how many grooms are told,” you belong to only our family now”? I am not sure .....

Behind the cameras, the mehendi ceremonies, the make-up sessions and non-stop controversial chattering of all the aunties, there is a girl who is thinking about the few hours which are going to change her life forever… The new home she is going to, the new relatives she has never met and so many new things keeping all her past behind, hoping she can stay in touch with all her friends, hoping her life does not change frantically and hoping she can still follow her dreams and most importantly hoping – this is my man…

So with all the anticipation, tension, expectations, hopes and dreams she takes the wedding vows and begins a new life promising her best as a wife, friend, confidante, daughter in law, sister, aunt and last but not the least the daughter she was and will continue to be.

The bidaai is just the ceremonial farewell of the daughter from her home; as her tears mingle with the make-up and as she steps out of the protective periphery of her home, only to be the smiling bride entering her husband' s home in sometime. A wedding is not just exchange of vows or colourful display of pictures on a Facebook page; it is the beginning of a phase where a woman embraces a whole new world.

 It is not that you forgo your duties as a daughter or a friend, it is just that post marriage it is not just your parents or your friends – it is now our families and our friends.  

After the wedding just as the presence of the new bride fills the groom’s home with guests and festivities, the daughter’s parents feel the pinch especially if the daughter was staying with them all the while. My friend once told how her mother woke up in the morning post her wedding day and accidentally made her breakfast realizing only later that she is at her in laws.

Home sickness during studies and home sickness post wedding are slightly different. In the hostel, the warden was always yelling and you were either yelling back or laughing it off with your friends waiting for the next vacation. Post marriage you are technically in your new home and you know along with time you will have to adapt to this new family, no matter how sweet and caring your mother in law is, the special tea your mother makes and the way she arranges your stuff and the way your father cuddles and cajoles you in irreplaceable at times. 

But no matter how far the daughter is from her parents, at the end of the day, she is first their little daughter and then a wife and daughter in law. Like they say ‘ a daughter is a daughter all her life’.